The Hidden Root of Resentment No One Talks About
Have you ever thought about how expectations can create resentment in your life? A wise and godly mentor once told us that unmet expectations can become unresolved resentments. At first, this sounds silly, and it is easy to think, “I don’t have expectations” or “my expectations are not causing resentment.” But as we reflected on this and examined our own hearts, we realized how true it was and how it was affecting our marriage and family.
When we honestly assess our hearts, we all have expectations for God, ourselves, and others. The danger comes when Christ is not at the center of our lives, and we look to other people or things for fulfillment and security. When our expectations are not met as we thought they should be, resentment, anger, bitterness, selfishness, self-righteousness, pride, and criticalness can grow in us instead of the fruits of the Spirit.
There is perhaps no greater example of this in all of history than the life of Jesus himself. Thousands followed him daily, expecting him to be the Messiah and anticipating what he was supposed to do and how he was supposed to act as the Messiah.
The religious leaders hated and resented him because he threatened their power and healed on the sabbath. (Matthew 12:9-14)
The crowd turned their back on him and crucified him because he did not overthrow the Roman government. (Luke 23:21)
John the Baptist seems to have had doubts or frustration, probably because of his imprisonment. (Matthew 11:2-3)
Nathaniel was initially skeptical because he found out that Jesus was from Nazareth. (John 1:45-46)
Many disciples (not the original 12) stopped following Jesus because his message made them uncomfortable and challenged them. (John 6:22-66)
Today, we are going to talk about ungodly expectations in marriage, parenting, and work, and how they affect our lives, with some personal examples. In a future post, we will talk about godly expectations. No matter the type of expectation, when our expectations are not met, our response can become misaligned with God’s word if our heart is not in the right place.
Before we dive into these categories, it is important to remember that our expectations usually stem from brokenness in our own hearts—places of pain we have not fully given to the Lord as our source and provider. We build expectations for others and ourselves because we believe that, when met, they will make us feel whole, loved, accepted, and at peace.
Marriage
In marriage, no topic has the potential to lead to unmet expectations and resentment as much as physical intimacy. Aspects such as frequency, timing, and levels of desire can all become powder kegs for resentment. Like most couples, we have experienced our fair share of unmet expectations in this area for ourselves, each other, and God. Part of it was due to the natural differences between us, and part was due to unforeseen circumstances, such as health issues, that affected this area. Neither of our expectations was met, which caused Julie to feel guilt, shame, and resentment towards herself and Ryan, and Ryan to feel rejected, angry, and resentful. Both of us also had frustrations with God about why things unfolded the way they did.
At the end of the day, we both realized we had wounds in our hearts from our past and from each other that were causing us to have ungodly expectations about intimacy in our marriage, and we were putting burdens on each other that we were not meant to carry. God has radically healed us in this area and brought us freedom because we chose to allow him to heal the areas in our hearts that needed healing, rather than waiting on him to fix each other. We learned what true intimacy (in-to-me-see) is, broke free from soul ties and demonic strongholds, and ultimately put God at the center of our lives.
Other areas of marriage that can be negatively affected by unmet expectations include communication and the practical side of running a household. Expectations around whether a spouse should be a morning person or an evening person, communicating directly in the moment vs. needing self-reflection before responding, all the way to expectations around who does the dishes, how the dishwasher is loaded, who cleans up around the house, and how things are to be cleaned. The main goal in these areas is for a husband and wife to communicate daily about how to work as a team, rather than letting resentment build from unmet expectations.
Parenting
Raising kids is one of the hardest things anyone will ever do. There are so many expectations around how to parent, how your kids will behave, what they are interested in, and what you do not want them to repeat from your life as a mom or dad. Parents must be careful not to shackle their children with expectations they were never meant to carry. Often, a parent's expectations for their children stem from their own heart wounds, a desire not to have their kids experience the same things in life they did, and a desire to live vicariously through their kids. In our effort to protect, we over rotate and suffocate with demands and commands.
When our kids do not meet our expectations, we really need to examine our own hearts and ask why that expectation is there. Parent wounds are one of the biggest things that impact a child, and the impacts can last a lifetime.
Life in General
Anytime in life, something does not go the way we expected, resentment can build toward others, ourselves, and God. Thoughts like “I should be further ahead in life by now,” “God should have answered this prayer by now,” “my boss should have given me a promotion by now,” and “How could God let me walk through this?” can play on repeat in our heads and take root in resentment.
Every one of these expectations needs to be examined to determine if God is truly at the center of our lives and if we fully trust him.
Other Examples
I expect:
God to protect me from that hardship or trying season in life.
Others to communicate the same way I do.
To have gained freedom from that stronghold in my life by now.
To have received gratitude, thanks, and recognition for my service to the church, work, family, etc.
My spouse, friend, child, etc, have gained freedom from that stronghold in their life by now.
My husband helps clean up and do chores around the house.
My wife is to keep the house clean and in order.
My wife is always in the mood and desires physical intimacy.
My husband is to pursue the non-physical aspects of intimacy.
My children are to always make the right choices.
My son had better not strike out during his baseball game.
My pastor needs to stop me in the church hall to talk.
The list can go on and on. Some of these things seem minor, but if we spend time in self-reflection, we will see how expectations drive many of our feelings and where we have given authority and responsibility for our fulfillment and satisfaction. We also know how heavy it feels when others have expectations of us that we are not meeting. It is very easy for us to dislike expectations placed on us, but be okay with placing expectations on others.
So what are we supposed to do with all of our expectations? The first step is to identify the expectations you have of God, yourself, and others.
The next step is to discern whether they are Godly or ungodly. Godly expectations align with God's character and his promises in his written Word, bringing about edification and the fruits of the Spirit. Ungodly expectations shackle us and others with a crushing weight we were never meant to bear, bringing out the worst in us.
Self-Reflection:
Spend time identifying every expectation you have for yourself, others, and God.
Evaluate whether those are being met to your standards and how your heart and responses are impacted by them.
Spend time in prayer, asking the Lord to show you which expectations are ungodly and what the root (upbringing, generational curses, heart wounds, trauma, etc.) is for why they are there.
Ask God to heal any areas of pain and brokenness, and choose to make him the center of your life.
Choose to release yourself and others from ungodly expectations and move forward with grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness. Have conversations with others where needed and ask for forgiveness.
Prayer: Father God, I know that you are to be the center of my life and my source for everything. Please forgive me for looking to things and people for the fulfillment that only you can bring. I ask for forgiveness for ungodly expectations and the resentment that follows when they are not met, and I ask you to show me any areas of my heart that need healing and any areas of control I need to release. Please remove all blinders that have caused me to walk through life with hidden, unknown expectations that I have created for myself, others, and you, Father God. I choose to walk in grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness and ask that you empower me by your Spirit to walk this out each and every day. I pray these things in Jesus' name, amen.
